I wonder...
Did you ever tell a lie and enjoyed it? You must have. It was so scaringly easy for you to become so fundamentally dishonest, that you had no idea whether you were lying or not...
When did the lying start? Did you just lie to the people around you or did you actually end up lying to yourself?
Were you ever in love with her? Maybe you just saw her on the train. Sitting alone with her white, porcelain skin and the complexion of a white peach - one could almost see her veins. You properly regarded her as the easy prey that she was. She looked at you and revealed her big, blue eyes. Reflecting nothing but true purity or true stupidity - one can't be positively sure without a proper conversation. She then talked to you. Her voice was pure; as if her mouth had been cleaned before she spoke a single word.
Your fetish for her might have been snobbery from the start. She was a dane with a strong accent, who claimed that she loved to travel but had never even left Europe?
- As if she was a monkey who just strolled out of the rainforest and asked for a Gin and Tonic.
The story you're sticking to is that, you did not want to harm or hurt her. Which gives the non-truth-telling some sort of sentimental value? I know you do not regard yourself as a lying bastard. I know that you'll claim forever that you never lied to her. You'll say that things didn't really work out and that the two you slowly but certainly grew apart. I know for a fact that you felt unsure about the relasionship for a while. A long while. You could have made the kill right then and there - but No, you felt the need to drag it out via a round#2, #3 and #4. - You have always known she was a big girl, who could handle the truth, but you weren't straight with her. You weren't man enough to make the kill to her face, while she was still in the country and that unfortunately reduces you into a big, fat waste of testosterone.
People might be puzzled by why on earth, she put up with you and your childish view of how things should be and that is something so precious; so dear and rare, that you can't ever wrap your head around it, simply because you have never experienced the particular four-letter-felling in its purest form of all and that is the sad truth. And to this date you have never been able to understand that if you had just been honest with her ... there was nothing she wouldn't have done for you. Nothing she wouldn't have sacrificed for you.
As I was sitting on the plane, on my way to the place I once called "Home" - I got the distinct feeling of being a civil warrior on the way to my own execution. I thought it was just my fear of flying messing with me... The truth can be hurtful but a lie makes permanent scars.
I don't want men to get into my emotional center.
- Because now, the echo might kill them.
- Because now, the echo might kill them.
